Sometimes perfectionism takes over my entire body. As if there is an atomic bomb inside me that could blow at any moment.
I hate messing up. I hate not doing something right. I hate when I make a careless error. I hate when I am the reason something did not happened or happened the wrong way.
So when I do those things (because regardless of my perfectionism and people pleasing, I am not perfect), my flesh kicks in in the worse way. Fear, disappointment, doubt, insecurity, rejection.
But it does not have to. It does not always. But when I look to myself in that moment, it spirals out of control. There is no way they want me around. There is no way they could. I am not enough. I make things harder. Then my mind goes to every thing I make worse.
But in the times I cut the enemy off before he gets to me, that is when Jesus is most glorified and my thoughts, though they may overtake me for a minute, they will not control me. I know Who is in control and greater is He Who is in me than he who is in the world.
So sitting on the hill with Jesus, I got this stick and starting peeling the bark off. Worship music playing. I was mad. I was mad at myself for letting my thoughts overtake me and I was mad at the enemy for getting in my way. Taking the bark off revealed dirt but also the smoother, cleaner wood underneath. As I continued to scrap the dirt off, Jesus was reminding me how He is The One Who makes me perfect. He is the Perfect One and He took all of my imperfections to the cross.
This stick is not perfect. It has holes, it has stains, it is broken. But when we allow Jesus to strip our flesh, and we give Him all we are and all we have. Even the imperfection. We are free. We are free from perfectionism. We are free from fear. We are free from doubt and rejection and insecurity and holding up everything on our own. We are free from having to do everything right on our own. We can accept His Grace and His Love and His Perfection and we can walk free with Him. In our every day. In our relationships. In our decisions. Every thing.
“God, I give You all I can today These scattered ashes that I hid away I lay them all at Your Feet From the corners of my deepest shame The empty places where I've worn Your Name Show me The Love I say I believe Oh help me to lay it down Oh Lord I lay it down Oh let this be where I die My Lord with Thee crucified Be lifted high, as my kingdoms fall Once and for all, once and for all” - Once and For All, Lauren Daigle