Bc It Still Hurts

When I was in middle school someone I looked up to so much told me I was too much to handle. I had lost my dad just a couple years before and I felt completely alone in this big world. I can remember the terror at 12 years old like it was yesterday.

I wish I could say I am healed from that middle school moment. But since that day I have struggled in almost every relationship/friendship I have. To not tell too much, to not be too much, to not get too close, too soon, too fast, too long because what if I become too much to handle? What if I share too much and I overwhelm another person? If I lose another friend? If I reveal too much and someone thinks “This is not what I signed up for”? If someone I love so much sees me for who I truly am? Broken, wanting love and acceptance and healing. Insecure and lonely. What if someone can’t take all I have to give?

{ Sidenote – it matters what you say to middle schoolers. It matters how you make them feel. }

Love completes me. But. Love scares me. Because when I love, I LOVE. I love hard. I love the way The Message puts Romans 12:9 “Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it… Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.” But what if it’s too much for someone? What if I love too much? And they can’t handle me? What if they leave and my heart from the center of me is out there for them to crush

It scares me.

It hurts me.

It’s my worst nightmare.

I guess that’s why I’m in middle school ministry. Because I know how it feels to be the worst hurt middle schooler in the world. Okay, it could be worse. But to be 12 and be told “you’re too much to handle.” It destroyed me. My whole life. Still. Every friendship. Every relationship. Again and again and again. It still hurts. Because why does everyone else seem to love and never be hurt. And I live with this loud fear of being too much to handle.

I’m scared to love because I’m scared to lose.

Maybe that’s why I love hard.

This might be the deepest secret I’ve ever posted for the world to read but I think there’s someone out there who needs it. If you know what I’m talking about. When it hurts.. again, I want you to know that it’s okay, I’m there too. I have to repeat these truths over and over because satan wants me to be afraid to do what I do best .. he wants me to be afraid to love from the center of who I am. But that’s not what God wants.

God loves you and you’ll never be too much for Him. That’s why you can love from the center of who you are. Regardless of who accepts that love. Because you aren’t called to love those who love you back. You are called to Love God and Love your neighbor as yourself. God will do the rest. He will bless you exactly with what and who you need!

Psalm 86:15 – But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.

Zephaniah 3:17 – The LORD your God is in your midst, a Mighty One who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His Love; He will exult over you with loud singing.

John 3:16 – For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.

Romans 5:8 – but God shows His Love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 8:37-39 – No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Ephesians 2:4-5 – But God, being rich in mercy, because of the Great Love with which He loved us, evenwhen we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved 

1 Peter 5:6-7 – Humble yourselves, therefore, under the Mighty Hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.

Know His Word. Trust His Word. Accept His Love. And Be His Love.

You’ll never be too much for who you’re meant to be in life with.