Amy Cate Smith
All This Time
This song took me right back to April 11, 2005 in the ICU family room at Jackson Hospital. 11 years old holding my school counselor’s hand. My grandmother was making the funniest faces as she sobbed and I laughed at them. Surrounded by the people who had loved me my entire life. I had no clue what had just hit my life.
People attempt to tell me I have the “perfect life.” I’ve never heard a funnier joke. Yes, my God is good. Yes, my God is sovereign. Yes, my God amazes me every day. But almost all the time, until three weeks ago, if I could have had gotten to where I am without all the pain I have experienced, I’d do anything. I would do anything to have my dad back. I’d do anything to not live this life. But today I stand knowing more than I’ve ever known of a why to this pain I have felt all these years.
My precious 12 year old sister said something profound to me after trying to claim my life is perfect today- “you say your life isn’t perfect because of losing your dad and all the bad things but all the good things you have now are because of what you’ve lost.” LIKE WOAH. Where did you come from and how’d you get so smart? I will still always laugh when someone tries to tell me my life is perfect. Let me just tell you. I believe that the worst thing that could ever happen to me- besides losing both of my parents- happened to me. But God’s plan is perfect and where I am right now today is better than anywhere else I’d rather be. I am not where I should be and I have a long way to go, but Pressley was right. The pain is terrible but God makes beauty from these ashes!
Sidebar- If you know of a child who has lost a parent, it is not something to brush off or say that a couple months will pass and it’ll be back to normal. Children are innocent, yes. Children are resilient, yes. Children are right-now minded, yes. You could go on and on for all the reasons children will be okay. But every day from this day forward will contain something that in our minds our dad (or mom) should be there for. Everything big, everything small, and every thing in between, our dad (or mom) should be there. Especially being a child. It doesn’t get easier, we just get used to it. It becomes our normal. Don’t brush it off! The people God puts into your life, He has there for a reason! You might have NO CLUE how to be there for someone who has lost a parent, or a child, or a spouse, or a brother, or a friend. But you know for a fact that God does not have them in your life for no reason. Don’t brush that off! He has a plan and purpose for everything! Be bold in that and know you have a purpose.
As far as the song up there, “all this time from the first tear cried ’till today’s sunrise and every single moment between. You were there, You were always there! It was You and I. You’ve been walking with me all this time!” He has NEVER left you and He isn’t ever going to leave you! From today to your last breath, He will be here. He hasn’t left me since that day in the hospital. He hasn’t left you since your “I remember the moment, I remember the pain” moment! Don’t ever believe satan’s lies that you’re alone. I have been the world’s view of “alone” for a very long time! But I have never been alone and I never will be! Neither will you! He will never leave you! Rest in that tonight! Whether you are alone or in a house full, whether you’re in a house full feeling alone or whether you’re alone feeling like you’re in a house full — you are not alone!